trouser snakes

if you're having a baby boy, you might feel relieved that you will only have to worry about one penis. sure, it will be messy when you're teaching him how to aim, and it may be awkward when you have to tell him not to run around holding it and pointing it like a gun. but--if you're having a baby girl, panic sets in because you will have to worry about all the penises. in the world. all of them! ahhhhhhh!

we found out we are having a baby girl, which we are of course very excited about. we don't care about gender, but just want a healthy baby, blah blah blah, that whole bit. ; ) she will be sooooo cute, and probably very sassy...if mom and dad are any indication. pretty much immediately though, aaron started to fret about protecting his lil girl.

she's not even here yet, but he is worrying about, you guessed it, all the pee-pees and ding-dongs in the world. his fatherly instincts are kicking in and he is prepared to protect her from any and all threats, including all those unruly peckers out there. (at least that's what i think he means when he says he's going to lock her up in the basement until she's 25).

baby girl krueger is going to grow up in a house where daddy knows best, daddy protects her, daddy takes her on dates, and daddy greets all the boys with a tour of his weapons and a speech about how he's not afraid of prison. regardless of what she thinks at the time, she will one day realize she is lucky to have a protective and vigilant father.

i know this because i am having the very same realization right about now! thank you daddy!

old lady names for babays

"i'm so crafty i make people." love it! i might be "making" the baby, but apparently that does not mean i get to name her whatever i want...

oh yea, the husband gets to help name the baby too. well, of course! this does, however, pose some serious threats to my 'old lady names for babies list.' my carefully constructed list of baby names was mocked and quickly vetoed by my sweet husband.

okay, i love old lady names, so what? i think these names are all beautiful. aaron likes one, maybe two, of them. i can't wait to see the list he comes up with.  ;  )

old lady names for babays

darla

blanche

margo/margeaux

georgianna

faye

matilda

vivian/vivienne

pearl

astrid

freya

ingrid

katya

malina

anika

sonja (queen of norway, ya!)

frances

sylvia/sylvie

audrey

gisela

priscilla

now, aren't these names just precious?! well, let's just say it's a good thing name hunting is so fun for me, because it is definitely back to the drawing board, er, google. send me your suggestions if you feel so inclined!

26 and pregnant

moms have kids. ummm, i'm just a chick. i have always thought to my self in my little self brain, that parents have kids--you know, grownups, adults, people in my mom and dad's cohort. although i am a real live, bonafide adult by definition, i still feel very young and girlish. which leads me to my next point...

i am just now beginning to fathom the meaning of "16 and pregnant." o the horror! i feel just barely old enough to have a baby, and i am a FULL DECADE older than those poor girls on mtv's leading birth control show. seriously, the show 16 and pregnant should be shown to all teenagers as a scare tactic. it's a reality show about 16-year-olds having babies, and that reality is not a pretty one.

so ya, i guess this means i am more of an adult than i had previously thought. i mean, i have been married for several years, have a bachelor's degree, pay taxes, annnd i rock at budgeting, grocery shopping, laundry, yardwork, and sending holiday cards. whoa! when did i become so responsible*?

*not too mature though. i still love me some hardcore underground canadian hip hop, going to the bathroom with the door open, ruining my appetite with dessert before dinner, and sneaking beer into movie theaters.

let's overreact about pregnancy

let's overreact about pregnancy together...with a generous side of humor! (okay, mostly humor. i like to fancy myself a pretty funny gal ; )

so, yes, this blog is my attempt at finding the humor in the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. pregnancy. holy crap.

how can something that millions, nay, billions of people go through be so strange and seemingly out of the ordinary?

...what the what!

my first response was to overreact. a little hyperventilating, some crying, a lot of cursing.

five months in and the whole thing still feels fake, but i am beginning to adjust and get excited. mostly, i have just come to the realization that i am not special or extraordinary and billions of women have 'been there, done that.' most of them probably with a zero pain medication! ahhhhhh! and that, my friends, is truly the stuff of nightmares. epidural AHOY!

crocs and cartman

someone told me i'm having a baby. okay that person was a doctor. a BAYBAY! a real one. omigad. so, for the last several months (since hearing said news) i have been thinking hard about lots of things...well, mostly two main things: crocs and cartman.

okay, i realize this is easy for me to say now, but still---my baby will not wear crocs! no, not ever! do not take this as an invitation to get me an ironic gift. no crocs damnit!

(i'm not the only one with an insatiable desire to burn, er, melt the country's entire stock of crocs: http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2008/07/31/make-it-stop.html. there is even an entire website dedicated to crocs bashing: http://ihatecrocsblog.blogspot.com/ ; )

the urban dictionary defines them perfectly: "Shoes for people with no taste. They look dorky as hell and are insanely overpriced for the simple fact they are merely molded plastic." http://www.urbandictionary.com/

thing two eclipsing my mind right now (well, what's left of my prego brain after what seems like most of my blood has taken up residence in my belly and, umm, assets) is eric cartman. you know...hilarious little fat kid from south park.

i gotta say, i love that show, it is just waaaay too funny, and cartman--the little evil genius--is the best.

however, now that there is an mini licorice-eating alien taking up residence in my belly, cartman's shrill, whiny voice is haunting me just a tad. his catch phrase, his M.O., his favorite thing to yell, "BUT MAWM!" permanently echoes in my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V92tFAFvgEE

'but mawm'...a short, simple phrase, heard by millions of moms all over the america (i say america because i'm not so sure mums in other countries let their little beavises and buttheads get away with such surly tones), is amplified to new heights by eric cartman; annnd in such a pitiful and comedic tone that you can't help but mimic it to your friends. that is, until you realize a time is rapidly approaching where you yourself might be called MAWM!

i have to admit, it is my own little hellish nightmare that someone, or multiple someones, follow me around for the rest of my life yelling mawm! but mawm! maaaawm! mawwwm! i willn't let it happen, i tell you!

i am determined that my little licorice alien will not wear crocs. and, it goes without saying that s/he will never get away with cartman-level whining, wimpering, sour badgering and lamenting!

i still find cartman and his motley south park crew side-splittingly (is that a word? it is now) funny. being a mom will never take away my sense of humor! motherhood will, perhaps, find me getting my fill of satire after nightie night time for babies!

and, should my little bugger get on my wrong side by hollering MAWM one too many times, i shall have no problem whining right back in equally obnoxious tones. it's not attractive, is it, you little ankle-biter! ; )

p.s. the same goes for biting. if you bite me, i will bite you back.