i regret this post already

(ignore all the hyperlinks. i didn't make them and can't figure out how to disable them. stoopid spammers!)

how hard can it really be? caring for a newborn? if you already have kids, then this brash statement is likely hilarious to you. well! i have heard a whole lot of complaining and belly-aching about how much work a newborn is. i mean, i'm only having ONE baybie after all! 8 or them, or even just twins, sounds a lot like this picture looks: horrible, nightmarish!

seriously though, how hard can one baby really be? laugh all you want! i have decided it will be no big deal. i'm not sucumbing to the idea that having a new baby is exhausting, stressful, or horrible. it will be pure joy! that's what i'm deciding going with.

this woman decided caring for a baby ain't no thang,

and she'd better up the difficulty level.

i hear babies like to be held a lot. no problemo. i'm gonna hold the crap outta that baby. i can't wait to hold her! i don't want to put her down. i might have trouble letting others hold her. someone better get me a shirt that says 'runs with scissors and does not share well with others.' i promise i try!

see, a kitteh can do it...can't be that hard. while i'm at it... sticking my foot in my mouth that is, i'm going to throw down this little list i've been making for a while. i'm sure we'll all get a massive laugh out of this one day, but hey--here's to great great great expectations! ; )

My child will not*:

• Wear CROCS. !!!
• Argue with adults
• Get away with manipulating behavior
• Get away with sassy, smart-ass behavior
• Get out of punishment early
• Think they are better than other people
• Divide and conquer their parents
• Be part of a democracy
• Have the world revolve around them
• Get away with shenanigans!

*ahahaahahahaha you say! yes is the answer to your question. i did read what i just wrote. AND, i am aware it is preposterous.

My child will*:

• Learn it is okay to be disappointed
• Understand that life is not fair
• Become comfortable with discomfort
• Learn the importance of humility
• Say "thank you for telling me"
• Look people in the eyes
• Shake peoples' hands and say "nice to meet you"
• Respect others' personal space
• Be calm and quiet in other peoples' homes
• Behave well in public

*again, aware of level of unrealistic expectations. ; )

that's not too much to ask for now, is it? ha ha you say! it is so easy for me to sit here and think about how easy this whole baby/child thing is going to be. living in la la land up in my blonde head is definitely getting me through pregnancy without all the panic. somehow i have a feeling this all won't be a big slice a cake, but i am determined not to let it rock my boat!  i see you one temper tantrum and raise you two boobies! bring on the baby.

baby name fail

"first world problem" is a phrase my brother morgan recently started using. i love it and have decided to welcome it permanently into my vocabulary. examples of third world problems include drought, famine, and civil unrest. an example of a first world problem is your car heat taking 5 minutes to warm up when your destination is only 4 minutes away (morgan).

pegging a 'problem' as a first world problem drastically reduces it's validity and urgency, and instantly puts it into perspective. today's first world problem is the simple fact that i have used up many a favorite baby name on my pets over the years. and...i am a PET PERSON. i've had muy mucho pets, including, but not limited to ; ) dogs, cats, rabbits, horses, lizards, a tortoise, a turtle, snakes, frogs, chickens, and of course, let's not forget the meal worm breeding situation. and i have LOVED naming everything that is capable of loving me in return, or at least decent at appearing to reciprocate my affection. : )

grandma sasha was an old, homeless, black cat i rescued from a wretched winter. she turned out to be totally and utterly cray cray crazy, but drop the 'grandma' and SASHA is a pretty nice name. good enough even for our most stylish first family.

not a relevant picture, but i have been trying to find a way to use it because it makes me laugh out loud.

MIKA, LUCY, and LENA are all lovely baby girl names...that are forever tarnished as family dog names. sure, we could probably use one of these names, but try explaining to your child why they were named after a furry someone with no thumbs.




then there are the thoughtful people who exclaim with great joy, "that's my dog's name!" when you mention a baby name you're considering. awesome! thank you for that.

if your life is low on problems, even first world problems, you can easily introduce some into your baby's life. by, let's say, oh i don't know, giving him or her a name anything like these:

okay, so those are probably jokes, but my very favorite eccentric baby names, even better than the newly introduced blue ivy carter, are the names jamie oliver has chosen for his children...dun...dun...dun...Buddy Bear Maurice, Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo Pamela and Poppy Honey Rosie. i'll just let those sink in with you for a moment. i do love the sweet, cuteness of them, but they are a tad on the sugary and kitschy side. love it though!

searching for the perfect name for your baby is super fun. the end.

just for fun ; )

loitering in the loo

something no one told me about pregnancy...your toilet paper consumption will go up massively. i guess i can see why this had not been mentioned to me before. it's certainly not very romantic. i am finding that can be said about most of my pregnancy revelations. to be totally honest, i am beginning to be bored by the whole thing. so, ya, back to the first thing i said--my toilet paper bill has gotten a lot bigger and i feel like i am buying comode papel in military proportions. seriously, i am peeing like every 20 minutes. hey now! that's not sexy or fun! no. it. is. not.

every preggo pregger expects her freedom to be a bit pinched with the arrival of a new baby (why does everyone say new baby, are there old babies being born?) but, what i did not expect is for my freedom to be reduced by the increasing need to be tethered to a bathroom. i took my current baby (mika the boxer) to the dog park today and she was having a BIG time! but, we had to cut our adventure short because, yesh, i had to leave to go pee!!!

my pride has finally diminished enough for me to just leave stacks of toilet paper in the bathroom at all times, instead of restocking with one or two rolls occassionally like normal people. a couple of days ago i plopped a pack of 4 rolls on the bathroom counter and thought to myself, 'that oughta last a while.' false. i am deciding right now to just roll with it. uh, pun intended. ha ha! forget corny dad jokes, mom jokes are my new gig.

trouser snakes

if you're having a baby boy, you might feel relieved that you will only have to worry about one penis. sure, it will be messy when you're teaching him how to aim, and it may be awkward when you have to tell him not to run around holding it and pointing it like a gun. but--if you're having a baby girl, panic sets in because you will have to worry about all the penises. in the world. all of them! ahhhhhhh!

we found out we are having a baby girl, which we are of course very excited about. we don't care about gender, but just want a healthy baby, blah blah blah, that whole bit. ; ) she will be sooooo cute, and probably very sassy...if mom and dad are any indication. pretty much immediately though, aaron started to fret about protecting his lil girl.

she's not even here yet, but he is worrying about, you guessed it, all the pee-pees and ding-dongs in the world. his fatherly instincts are kicking in and he is prepared to protect her from any and all threats, including all those unruly peckers out there. (at least that's what i think he means when he says he's going to lock her up in the basement until she's 25).

baby girl krueger is going to grow up in a house where daddy knows best, daddy protects her, daddy takes her on dates, and daddy greets all the boys with a tour of his weapons and a speech about how he's not afraid of prison. regardless of what she thinks at the time, she will one day realize she is lucky to have a protective and vigilant father.

i know this because i am having the very same realization right about now! thank you daddy!

old lady names for babays

"i'm so crafty i make people." love it! i might be "making" the baby, but apparently that does not mean i get to name her whatever i want...

oh yea, the husband gets to help name the baby too. well, of course! this does, however, pose some serious threats to my 'old lady names for babies list.' my carefully constructed list of baby names was mocked and quickly vetoed by my sweet husband.

okay, i love old lady names, so what? i think these names are all beautiful. aaron likes one, maybe two, of them. i can't wait to see the list he comes up with.  ;  )

old lady names for babays

darla

blanche

margo/margeaux

georgianna

faye

matilda

vivian/vivienne

pearl

astrid

freya

ingrid

katya

malina

anika

sonja (queen of norway, ya!)

frances

sylvia/sylvie

audrey

gisela

priscilla

now, aren't these names just precious?! well, let's just say it's a good thing name hunting is so fun for me, because it is definitely back to the drawing board, er, google. send me your suggestions if you feel so inclined!